ESSENTIAL PILLARS FOR BUILDING AND SUSTAINING HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPSPreamble: The depth of your understanding defines the height of your outstandingness in life; you cannot live an outstanding life without embracing understanding. “Understanding is a wellspring of life to those who have it” Prov 16:22 Understanding empowers you to live a life of significance and relevance. “Good understanding giveth favour” Prov 13:15.
To lack understanding in the area of relationship is to be cheaply grounded and frustrated. “A man who wanders from the way of understanding will rest in the assembly of the dead” Prov 21:16
For us to secure our marital future, we need genuine understanding of how to build and sustain healthy relationships.
HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP PILLARS Relationship is not just about two people coming together, it is about two people coming together to add value to one another and become better not bitter. Relationship is simply relations-ship – relations in the same ship; their ability to work together will create peace, while their inability to do so creates problems.
Every genuine relationship is expected to add to you and not just take away from you, any relationship that just takes away from you and does not add to you is not healthy, it’s only a matter of time, it will crash.
Such relationship that makes both parties better, respected, secured with a full sense of happiness and comfort as well as companionship is referred to as HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP. According to the United States Department of Health and Human Services, a healthy relationship results in healthier men and women, both physically and emotionally.
Healthy relationships are not accidental they must be built; nothing works in relationship without you working on it and walking in it.
Just as pillars are very important to a building, so also are the following as pillars essential for building and maintain healthy relationships. Pillars literally hold up a structure and keep it from losing balance and eventually collapsing altogether.
1. Pillar of Purpose: Without purpose the pressures of life prevail, to lack purpose is to lack genuine progress. Purpose is the reason for which something is done or created; it is the motive behind the moves. In building and sustaining healthy relationships it is essential that the purpose for that relationship must be genuine. Every relationship that lacks genuine purpose will definitely end up with problems it’s just a matter of time. The question is why are you in that relationship? Why do you want to have a relationship? Is it because everyone around is having one or you feel you need it, or is it because of pressures. What is your motive for being with that person you are with (If you have one). Relationships must be purpose based and this purpose must be genuine. Scripturally, God’s intention for relationship is to be a platform for meeting up with his divine plans and program. “And the Lord God said it is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him” Gen 2:18. Healthy relationships are genuinely purpose based.
2. Pillar of Choice: Your choice defines your chances in life; the choices you make can either build you or break you in relationship. One of the most important choices we make in life is the choice of who to marry and who not to marry. Choices make a world of difference between success and failure, joy and sorrow, peace and chaos, life and death etc. Choices are very powerful and should not be rushed into; because you will live with whatever choice you make for the rest of your life whether good or otherwise. “I call heaven and earth to record this day against you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing: therefore choose life, that both thou and thy seed may live” Deuteronomy 30:19
What factors influences your choice of person in relationship? External qualities are powerful, love is wonderful, feelings are great, but they are not enough. You are a product of a divine intention; God's Guidance must be the primary factor that will influence your choice of who to marry. “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the Lord, and depart from evil.” Prov 3:5-7 “Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don’t try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he’s the one who will keep you on track. Don’t assume that you know it all. Run to God! Run from evil” (The Message)
Level of compatibility (Shared values/common interest), Commitment to growth, inner qualities and prospects are other practical factors that should influence your choice of partner.
3. Pillar of Chemistry: Whatever connects you to a guy or lady in relationship goes a long way to determine what the relationship is made of. The concept of chemistry in relationship can just be simply described as the natural connection between a male and a female. It is the reaction in place when two people meet. Chemistry stands for the force of attraction, what is attracting a lady to a guy and the guy to the lady. This could either be infatuation/lust or love. These two are the possible force of attraction in every relationship, but only one which is love makes a healthy relationship.
Infatuation/ lust: Infatuation begins with a physical attraction. It is the state of being completely carried away by unreasoned passion or love; addictive love. Lust on the other side is an uncontrollable desire to satisfy one’s sexual appetite. You meet someone and you are instantly attracted to them, you find it difficult to think clearly because your thoughts are plagued by their presence. They have obviously captivated you with their charm, elegance, intelligence, etc. You can't help thinking about that person whether you're with him/her or not. All these are characteristic of a person under the chemistry of infatuation
Love: Love on the other side is more concerned about the personality more than the physical attraction. True love seeks the welfare of the other in a relationship. It is not all about emotion; it has a touch of commitment and sincerity. Love is based on trust, loyalty, and mutual commitment. It’s about accepting each other for who you are and not who you imagine the other person to be. A relationship based on love evolves as you learn to give and take, make compromises, respect each other as separate individuals, and encourage each other to follow dreams and goals.
4. Pillar of Character: Healthy relationships are sustained by good characters; without good characters, relationship crumbles. Character is an asset in life and relationship, it is who you are, the sum of all the qualities you possess. Character is what makes you YOU. Character is not a gift, it is what we build and develop. Pride, selfishness, ingratitude, unforgiving, disrespect, anger, lying etc are major negative characters that ruin relationships. To build and sustain healthy relationships, you must uphold mutual respect, integrity, kindness, tolerance and appreciation.
5. Pillar of Communication: Without effective and efficient communication, relationship becomes a burden, love will not grow, disagreement will prevail and trouble sets in. Communication in relationship is not all about what you say, but also the way it is being said. It is not just about speaking it involves listening. Communication is the key to overcoming doubts and misunderstandings, it keeps relationships bonded. In building and sustaining healthy relationships, develop good relationship skills – knowing what to say, when to say it, how to say it etc.
6. Pillar of Commitment: Whatsoever you are not willing to be committed to, might likely not continue, relationships don’t just work because it is between people, it works because they work on it. Every partner in a healthy relationship must invest intentional effort, including skill-building, time, energy. A student will not get a college degree without making a commitment to learn and study in spite of situations, poor teachers, and difficult assignments. A marriage is not likely to last unless partners have enough commitment to sustain it through easy & difficult times.
7. Pillar of Purity & Self Control: Purity and self discipline are very essential pillars in building healthy relationships; there absence in any relationship creates trouble and break the home. God demand purity both before marriage and in marriage. Premarital Sex and extra marital Sex are both destructful. “Marriage is honorable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge” Heb 13:4. To lack self control is to lose control and once you lose control, you may lose your throne (ask Reuben- Gen 49:3-4, ask Amnon. -2 Samuel 13:1-29)
Conclusion
Relationships are like trees, they need to be nurtured for them to grow. If you don't do so, it's going to wither away. You have to take care of the relationship to help it grow properly and if you fail to do so, it's going to turn sour and eventually die. Therefore take personal responsibility to nurture and keep nurturing your relationships with the aforementioned pillars in a bid to make and keep them healthy.
